WHY?
One of the main reasons I continue to learn and work in the space of mindfulness is to help people understand that they have control and they can learn the tools to have improved emotional regulation.
WHAT HAPPENED?
Recently a well respected person posted about someone who read their book and it changed their life. In this particular case, the person writing in had committed a crime related to the topic of the author's work. They asked the author to include them in their works so that they can continue to work on making amends for what they had done.
This was a public posting and many people responded.
Many felt the solicitation to be included to "do more" was self-serving.
Others felt that it was moving that the person had a new perspective.
Many people were triggered by the scenario overall.
Others had more ambivalent feelings, including the author.
I assessed that there may be some feeling that because the work was impactful, the author felt compelled on some level to assist or support the person.
UH NOT!
On the other part of this spectrum of emotion is the not so removed cousin entitlement.
Let's break this down or at least understand the baseline for this discussion:
Obligation: bound by moral principle, duty or regulation.
Entitlement: to give a right or claim to something.
Mindfulness, as a reminder, is the awareness of what you feel in the moment WITHOUT judgement.
As I stated above, there were a lot of emotional/mental responses, but I want to focus on what I perceive to be the author's possible responses.
Possible author emotions:
I feel very passionately about this topic.
I have spend considerable time in studying this topic.
I put for effort to contribute to this topic through my research.
A person is impacted by my work
The person is asking for my help around this work
I should help this person because this is why I did the work!
Whew, that was a lot of emotions right?
That's normal and let's talk about the role of the author in relation to those emotions.
The endeavor of the author was to bring forth the work.
That is their contribution to the topic.
To present it in a way that resonates so that a person can then continue the work under their own direction.
Supporting individuals is NOT automatically an add-on to the work.
They have people for that...they are called mental health professionals and coaches.
The tricky thing about obligation though is that it pulls at your heart strings.
It's connected to the very passion of the topic you share.
You feel validated when a person shares that it resonates.
When one feels validated, there is the desire to connect.
BUT every validation does not require a connection on your part!
If you allow connections from everyone that relates to you, then you will be drained!
Then what are you going to give from when you have nothing?
An Australian politician, could have never known in January of 2018 how popular his tweet would be when he said:
Not allowing further engagement beyond the initial contact is taking care of yourself first.
HOW?
Well that leads us to the entitlement discussion. The impacted person solicits the author to help them (and others) because they haven't found a way to be impactful on their own. As if the requestor has a claim to access to the author because their work was enlightening to them.
IT DOES NOT
Not for this author or any other person who provides work into this world.
It does not entitle ANYONE to their time or energy.
I don't give two !@#$ how impactful the work is! (yes I cuss)
The entitlement of folks out here DOES NOT EQUAL obligation on your part!
You know what the requestor is entitled to (and it’s not much)?
An acknowledgement. And even that is on a case-by-case basis.
This was a personal plea, not a professional engagement.
The author has the choice to not even respond!
And that is where it stops.
You know what the author is entitled to?
A moment.
Time to breathe and process what this interaction felt like for them.
Space to decide if there is even a decision to be made at that moment.
Respect for whatever they choose to do moving forward.
And this is why mindfulness is not a hidden gem to me, but rather a core skill that I would like everyone to practice and maintain.
Mindfulness allows you to view a situation without being totally enmeshed.
Over time, it can give you the space necessary to make the best decisions for yourself.
If you or someone you know would like some support on incorporating and developing a mindfulness practice to help your emotional regulation aka "your daily joy" then schedule a free coaching consultation call.
I have helped others.
I believe I can help you too.
And I cuss a little. 😏
NOTE:
I was intentionally vague and chose not to identify the author or the specific post because this is NOT about that particular situation. It is about every person that feels obligated to do things that may be uncomfortable to them because of their work that originates from the entitlement of others. It is about people learning that they can shift, re-learn or re-program their thinking in a way that is emotionally and mentally more supportive for them in their daily lives. An artist, a musician, a friend, a parent or any number of other roles can be substituted for "author." A book, an article, a painting, a speech or a song could be substituted for the “work.” The message remains the same:
You cannot control other people, but you can control how you process and respond.
I am an ICF trained engagement coach, trained in over 500 hours of yoga practices, and mindfulness meditation. I am also a plant addict and passionate about emotion literacy in our day-to-day life.
